Monday, December 20, 2010

none the wiser

I went to the doctor's today and they said that I can stop using crutches. My excitement was short lived, as I had to get my wisdom teeth removed two hours later.

I was assured by the nurse that I would not be awake during the procedure- but that might have been a laughing gas induced figment. Figment or not, I was awake while my teeth were being pulled out. But I was traveling around in a state of partial consciousness, where my mind was independent from my quickly exhausting body. Sometimes I fought to keep my eyes open to show the dentist that I was capable. Of what, I'm not certain. I just thought that by staring at the dentist, he'd understand that I was a very intelligent person.

that's laughing gas logic for you.

Also going through my head during the entire ordeal was Hamlet's soliloquy- one of the most destinct memories that I have is of getting the laughing gas mask put over my nose and being told to sleep, to which I responded "to sleep perchance to dream". Some people get nervous. I go thespian.

I attempted to acknowledge the removal of my teeth once during the procedure by asking a level headed question- which would, no doubt, prove to be highly eloquent and be told to all dentists in the tristate area. My story, the story of the most eloquent wisdom teeth removal patient ever. I would be hailed as a poster child for oral surgery everywhere.

What I meant to say was "Are you done with the upper and lower wisdom teeth on the left side?" What came out was entirely different, and consisted of "Arrrrruuudun teeefffflef?" and then maybe followed by some profuse bleeding from my mouth.

And this is how I can explain and justify why my kitchen now has large amounts of pudding, jello mixes, apple sauce, and pain killers in it. If you see a tiny manila envelope at the end of the island, open with care. It contains four wisdom teeth that are likely still covered in dried blood.


  1. The last time they put me on laughing gas, I ended up trying to convince them the cotton swab they were using was a knife. I was not successful.

  2. you're such a boss! feel bettahhh and don't try the pistachio flavored pudding cause that ish is narsty